Sorry, I haven’t posted in a little while. Right after I posted the last posts about going to church and not being able to go on a mission trip, I was faced with a tough decision. A decision that could either change my life for the better or make me fall back down into depression.
So there’s one of my Sunday school teachers at my church who also was one of my elementary school teachers when I was little, so I’ve known her for a long time. She’s always been an amazing and superrr nice lady. Anyway, one day, I told her a little bit about my experience with the mission trip and how I felt isolated at our church sometimes. After that, she would ask if I wanted to go on the mission trip this year and I would always reply no because I’m not comfortable going or it’s not the right time right now. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable if something happened because I feel like the adults there wouldn’t understand me.
Anyway, two Sundays ago, she asked me again if I wanted to go because they were talking about it that day at church. I replied my usual answer and then she asked me if I was willing to go if I didn’t have to interview like last year. I thanked her for thinking about me, but said that I still wouldn’t feel comfortable on the trip. Then, she asked if I wanted to go if she went along with me.
I paused… I told her I would think about it.
The reason I didn’t want to go is because I wasn’t comfortable with the people going on the trip, but if she went? I trust her and she understands me, but I never considered her going, as she has never been before. I started to think of all of the reasons I wanted to go in the first place. That maybe I could turn this bad experience into a good one. That I would grow a lot closer to God while spreading his love in places that aren’t as fortunate as where I’m from.
But it isn’t that easy. What if the youth minister still won’t let me go? I’m the same sensitive and anxiety-ridden person I was last year and if he expected that to change, he’d be disappointed. Plus, all he knew about was my social anxiety which I was the least ashamed of, but he didn’t know about everything else “wrong” with me and I also developed an eating disorder since last year. I didn’t want to get my hopes up to be rejected again. It would crush me worse than it did the first time.
So the next Sunday, I planned to talk to that teacher about everything I was worried about and told her about everything I struggle with. Because I didn’t feel like crying uncontrollably at the moment, I gave her my phone to read a note I typed instead of actually talking and she was super understanding. She said she already could tell a lot of the things about me before I gave her the note and then she said that the youth pastor will let me go.
I was like, what? Because she didn’t talk to him about it and didn’t know all of this before so how would she know? Wrong. She said she and another teacher actually had a meeting with him about it and worked things out to where I can go with her if I want to and be in the same group and everything. Long story short, the youth pastor felt really bad because he didn’t know how much everything had affected me (he really is a nice guy though) and he’s letting me go.
With that assurance, I could ask my parents. If I asked them before, I knew they would say no because they don’t want to see me back in that place I was last year. They want to protect me. So if I told them I already got permission and that my teacher could go with me, they would be more open to the idea. I texted them right then at church and expecting the worst, I received a text from my mom saying, “Yeah!” Then, a few minutes later, she texted again saying she didn’t say that and my dad texted that we’ll have to talk about it later.
The next thing I did was tell my therapist that I could go. She talked to my dietitian and they both decided that before I go, I have to get better with my eating disorder, but it’s in a few months, so if I’m better by then, then I can go. While it’s not the ideal answer, it’s another motivator for me to get better and I believe that by then, I’ll be a lot better. I talked to my parents later that night and they decided they’ll let me go if my doctors clear me to.
Anyway, this whole thing just shows that God has his timing. Things don’t always turn out the way we want them to, but in the end, things always turn out okay. My mom promises that she didn’t send that “Yeah!” text and my dad was there to confirm. Nothing like that has happened to her before either. When they told me that, my mom joked and said that maybe it was from God, but then I was thinking about it. What if it really was? What if it was a sign? What if this whole thing with my teacher was planned by Him? Whether my mom may have accidentally pressed a button or not, I can rest assured knowing that God did plan this whole mission trip experience. This all was in his plan for me and everything happens for a reason. It may not be exactly what we expect, but God loves us unconditionally and I can put my trust in him knowing that whatever happens next is all in the plan that He set out for my life ❤