A word that came up a lot for me a couple days ago. I took a leap of faith and reached out to someone who shared their recovery story with struggles that sounded just like mine and were very similar. She gave me advice and at one part, she told me not to forget about grace. Everyone has heard of that word and I know I have plenty of times, but I wondered, what exactly is grace?
I then proceeded to look it up on the internet. I found that the definition they provided is, “the unmerited or undeserving favor of God to those who are under condemnation.” Yeah, we have all heard that God loves everyone from the average person to the murderer, but I went deeper into how this applied to my situation in particular. Why? Because I was wondering why she specifically mentioned it and second, because when I was at church later, a girl thought my name was Grace and wrote it on the board, so others called me that too (and no I didn’t correct it because I have social anxiety and I honestly didn’t mind being Grace for the day). Was this whole thing a coincidence? Only God knows the answer to that.
But anyway, it got me to reflect on everything. Grace. How do I see grace in my life? Well, at the moment I was thinking, you know, God loves me no matter what even with all of my problems, but I went further. Why would I not deserve this love because of my problems? Well, there have been many times that I have felt guilty for having them or hurting other people because of them. After all, some things, like cutting myself or forcing myself to throw up are all acts that were caused solely by me and I made that decision to do those things. I have felt guilty for hurting the very body that God gave me and I know in my head that I shouldn’t hate something that God created. Also, the Bible says that we shouldn’t worry because we know God will be there for us. If I had a penny for everything I’ve worried about, I would be a millionaire…
Essentially, with every disorder that I have, I have sinned many times even though it was part of my disorders. Grace means that God loves me anyway. A verse that I found in the Bible that relates to this is, “For it is grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”(Ephesians 2:8-10). This definition of Grace shows that God understands that I can’t just stop doing these things automatically and that some of them are literally caused by my brain chemistry, proving that he even made me that way. Why did God make me this way? Well, that’s another talk for another time, but I know that he did make me and that makes me perfect and lovable in His eyes, which is the only thing that truly matters.